I reread this book after having first read it almost 15 years ago. It is by Deborah Tannen, PhD. She is a well-known linguist that has been at Georgetown for years.
This book deals with the stylistic differences between genders in conversation, and how those stylistic differences play a large role in men and women misunderstanding each other in conversation.
Obviously, there are individuals (male and female) who both experience something different than she describes and who also converse in a way unlike the majority of their gender. She does make note of that multiple times throughout the book and isn't slapping labels on genders.
However, it is true, that men and women by and large see the world differently and experience the life differently, and thus have different motivations for conversation based on these different paradigms. There are patterns, based on gender. It was fascinating to reread this because, as I have a five year old daughter, I could see the patterns Tannen describes already emerging in my daughter, especially when she interacts with other five-year-old girls. I can see how I endorse and confirm them through my own behavior.
It also helped me to understand my husband much better. I came back to this book after all these years because I had the feeling that our true conflict was not about the topics we were trying to argue about. I had the feeling that our words were getting in the way, and that the way we interpret the messages and metamessages of language are very, very different.
A great read, even if it's not going to serve a practical purpose for you, because it's just plain interesting.
Oooh, that does sound really interesting. I am going to put it on my to-read list right now. I often feel exactly the same way when communicating (or trying to) with Mark. We often actually get to a point in our conversation when we have to define the words we are using b/c we each think of different things when saying the same word. So frustrating, but it's just part of life. I hope this book helps.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds FASCINATING. I loved the linguistics course I took in college, and enjoyed learning about all the different cultural and social factors that go into communication.
ReplyDeleteIt was a turning point in our marriage when I finally said, "NO! I'm not looking for advice! I'm sad, and I need to rant!" I think every couple has their communication issues. I look forward to reading this one.
Yep, this is definitely going in my TBR pile, too.
ReplyDeleteThis is so up my alley. Putting it on my list.
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